KULTURE VULTURE: May 2012

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

NO TO GRANOLA BARS - YES TO BEER

Blew it today. Caught out running errands and got way, way, way too hungry, all of a sudden, like I do.

So I ate a two Nature Valley granola bars. Big mistake. They only hold me about 20 minutes. Too high in carbohydrates and low in protein. And those little bucker-muckers loaded me up with 380 calories!

So then, cuz I had to have more protein, I drank a Bolthouse Farms protein shake. Wow, that was great, tasty and filling, and I am still full, two and a half hours later. Yes! That's what I'm talkin' about.

So it makes a big diff what you slug down yo mouth, children.

So far, I've gobbled up 1840 calories, and it's only 5:30 p.m. (or 1730 hrs), but that total would be 1460 calories without those stupid granola bars.

Let that be a lesson to you, Lard Belly. Yessir. (I salute.)

Now there is almost no way to lose weight today. I will need to chomp something around 7:00 p.m. Oh, well.

The struggle goes on. Maybe I'll have a beer. Hump it.

-- Roger

THE SKINNY ON THE SKINNY

Some foods make me hungry.

Carbs, for example. If I eat a whole-wheat flour tortilla, with hummus and hot sauce--I scarfed up two last night--in about half an hour I get hungry for another one. Carbs beget carbs. If I wait a little bit longer, I go starving crazy out of my mind.

Hell, that's 250 calories. I want it to last two and a half hours. But it doesn't. Why is that? Who the hell knows? Has something to do with food chemistry, I think.

Same thing is true of sweets. If I start eating chocolate covered almonds, pretty soon I am in there on my hands and knees, like a beggar or a supplicant, grubbing away, like a man in love. It's embarrassing.

But this morning at 6:00 a.m. (0600) I ate one tomato, about 35 calories, and I did not get hungry for an hour and a half. That is a good ratio of time to calories consumed. At that rate, I can win this battle of the bulge.

When I got hungry, about 7:30 a.m. (0730, if you prefer), I decided to splurge on calories and eat a banana with peanut butter. Yum. But oh is that fat city, in both ways: 300 calories.

(I estimate calories, using a book or counter. Here is one:
http://caloriecount.about.com/calories-bananas-i9040
There are lots of these on the Web.)

It is now 8:45 or 0845, and I've gobbled up 350 calories or so. That is probably a little higher than I want, so I'll see if I can slow down the calorie intake. Am drinking green tea with no sugar, and it tastes great, thank the Lard (sic). So that is workin' for me.

Let's see how the day goes. Worked out yesterday, 40 minutes, level "B." Pretty vigorous, but not exhaustive. Will try to move around a lot today, keep the flab moving. Flab in motion tends to stay in motion. Ha!

Am thinking about buying a get-skinny book. Never done that before. I'll let you know. "The Mayo Clinic Diet" looks good online. Hmmm. Maybe. (Mayo does not stand for Mayonnaise, BTW.)

When I started this, on March 28, I weighed 174 at my doctors office. Lost five tons ... ooops, sorry, five pounds ... in ten days, but now am holding at 170. Not so good. My goal: 155.

More later, as the saga of the sag continues. Wish me luck.

-- Fat Roger, a.k.a. Lard Belly

Monday, May 28, 2012

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT: THE FAT AND THIN OF IT

The most popular books in the USA are two kinds: cook books and weight-loss books.

Ironic, huh? We fatten up and then try to slim down.

Turns out that losing weight is the simplest thing in the world. Calories. That is all it is.

My baseline is 2,000 calories a day. If I consume less, I lose weight. If I consume more, I get fat.

Simple. Here is a good way to figure yours:
http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm

I can break it down by the hour. If I eat 100 calories an hour, for 16 waking hours, I lose weight. If I eat 200 calories an hour, for ten hours, I maintain my current weight. If I consume 3,000 calories a day, as I used to, I go chow-chow, baby, chub-chub, and become a bigger lard-belly.

For me, the best thing is to aim for about 150 calories an hour, for 12 hours. I tend not to get so hungry at night.

I need to keep something in my belly, otherwise I get too hungry and overeat. Some foods are higher in fiber, protein and healthy fat than others. Those work the best: Try Kashi Go Lean cereal with non-fat milk. Low-fat cheese. Whole wheat bread and tortillas. Tacos not burritos. Salads of course, with non-fat dressing. Fruits and veggies. Lean meat: chicken, fish, low-fat beef.

Foods to avoid: Ice cream is the worst. It never fills you up and it makes you want more and more. Caloric? Don't ask. Chips are bad. So are whole milk and cheese.

A little beer is OK. It's non-fat. No, really. It ranges from 150 to 200 calories per 12 oz. That isn't bad, if you don't eat cheeseburgers and fries along with it.

Good luck. People like Dr. Horse's Butt Phil on TV make millions by suckering people into buying their weight-loss books. Don't do it. Just count those calories. Keep it simple. And low-cal. You will lose weight. I guarantee it. It's up to you, not Dr. Phil.

Of course, if you exercise at all, you are ahead of the game.

-- Roger

Thursday, May 24, 2012

SLASH? REALLY?

I noticed in the L.A. Times today --
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-et-slash-20120524,0,5498162.story
-- a rock star who calls himself Slash.

Really? Slash?

So, in honor of that, I am going to add another name to my roster.

What shall I call myself? Dash? Crash? Flash? Splash? How about Flush? As in Royal Flush?

OK, from now on, just call me Flush.

Just don't push the handle.

-- Roger

a.k.a. Flush, a.k.a. Royal Flush, a.k.a. Eternal Zen Master

Saturday, May 19, 2012

WHERE IS THE STORY?

I'm rewriting an old unfinished novel called THE PAINTED SUN.

What I usually do, when I start a novel, is begin with the voice of a narrator in my head, or an image, or a character, without knowing where I am going. It's a matter of exploration, following the characters, letting the voice lead the way. But sometimes, too often, no story emerges.

With "The Painted Sun," I started with a man in real life, a guy who lived across the way in back, on the next street. I could see him from my deck, over the tops of two garages. He looked about 60, and was lean and muscular, unusually fit for a man his age. No fat on him.

Gray hair, a thick mat of curly hair on his chest. He would come out onto his second-floor balcony and look around, shirt off, like a man who was under house arrest, or waiting for something, or someone. He wore well-cut gray slacks. Not a bum.

He never seemed to go anywhere, and I never saw anyone come to visit him. So of course my fantasy was that he was a retired hit-man waiting for his next job.

I didn't want to meet him, didn't want to know anything about his real life. It would spoil my fantasy.

So anyway, as novels do, this character evolved into an old horse trainer from Kansas, who was looking for his daughter who had run away ten years ago, when she was 16.

I followed the character and I guess you could say he led me astray. He comes to L.A. and meets a young woman who moves in next door. Her boyfriend beats her up and my guy rescues her and leaves the boyfriend with a broken arm.

What did this have to do with the daughter? Well, nothing. An interesting beginning, but leading nowhere. There was no story. He finds out the daughter went to Mexico with a rich racehorse owner who lives on a big ranch. Here I used a true story, told me by a friend, about an American girl who lives a racy and risky life on a big rancho.

But this novel of mine wasn't working. I wrote about 200 pages and found myself down a dead-end street with no action in sight. No consequences. No causal chain. No theme. What was this novel about? Who the hell knew?

I still like the main characters, so I'm trying to stir up a new pot of stew and see if I can create a situation or story problem or dilemma that will come alive again and lead me somewhere interesting.

I have some ideas, and I have the feeling these characters are out there somewhere, and they are breathing, and waiting, chomping at the bit, waiting for the story to come along and sweep them away. Waiting for their next job.

Kind of like that old man on the balcony.

Wish me luck.

-- Roger

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

LIFE AS SAMURAI TRAINING

One of my favorite quotes:

SAMURAI TRAINING

“Somewhere there is a samurai warrior who is young and smart and strong. He trains every day. He gets up early, he eats right, he works on his technique, and he cuts bamboo trees with his sword until he can slice pieces in mid-air. One day, you will meet him in battle. Do you really want to be unprepared?” -- Unknown

That touches my heart, for some reason, I don't know why. Perhaps it has something to do with a person's attitude toward life. In my experience, you are either up and at 'em, or you are dead inside, and might as well be dead outside, too.

-- Roger

Thursday, May 10, 2012

'BLOOD MERIDIAN' - TOO TRUE, TOO VIOLENT

I recently finished reading Cormac McCarthy's "Blood Meridian" for the third or fourth time, and it was completely different this time.

I had always assumed that it was totally fiction, a fantasy of violence, bloodshed and depravity that showed what lies deeply buried in our psyche, in our unconscious mind.

It never occurred to me that it might be true, heaven forbid, but it is. As I read through the book itself, I also read "Notes On 'Blood Meridian'."

My God. Glanton and his gang really did most of these horrible things. Endless depravity and cruelty for no reason. In one scene, to take a small example, a man is trying to sell two puppies, and the Judge buys them, then throws into a violent, swirling river.

As the puppies surface in a calm pool below a dam, another member of Glanton's gang pulls out his pistol and shoots them, for no other reason than sport.

Children get murdered, for no reason. The buffalo get slaughtered, by the millions, and the meat left to rot on the plains.

How inhuman it all is. Disgusting.

It's one thing to assume this is all fantasy, and another to realize that most of this stuff really happened.

There is a grim kind of gallows humor to much of it, but finally it sinks into a cauldron of bloodshed.

I don't think I'll ever be able to read it again.

And I take back my recommendation.

Don't read it, unless you have a very strong stomach.

Or read it as a fantasy. I wish it wasn't true.

-- Roger